narcissistic pleasure

no life i'm leading

Saturday, August 27, 2005

whoever said first yr of uni life was easy, as beat would say, "ought to be shot". i feel like i'm gonna explode soon, the stress of schwork, the frustration of permanently being lagging, the disappointment of not living up to expectations, the annoyance at myself, the helplessness from not being able to do anything to aid others.

or maybe it's true, in which case i don't ever want to grow up.

i spend time studying, reading, doing my tutorials. i allocate time for co stuff, meetings, gg down to the instrument shop, preparing for up and coming concerts. i give time to my friends, old and new, meeting up with them for lunch or dinner, trying to listen to them and lend them a shoulder or a helping hand. but it's always the same case. it's never enuff. it ain't freaking enuff.

second week in a row tt i can't go home. i miss being alive. i'm not alive, i feel like a corpse gg abt, carrying out my day to day activities as is required of me.

i can't breathe.

listening to jay chou's songs is depressing me. in fact, listening to anything depresses me. i'm more aware of the fact that i'm alone. i'm aware of the fact that others expect me to be happy-go-lucky, when inside i feel like screaming at everyone and the world. i'm aware of the fact that pple do take me as their kao shan, someone to confide and seek comfort in, when the shan in me is breaking and collapsing into a rubble.

i want to help others, yet i know to do so, i first need to help myself. sometimes in life, the pple who help u need help themselves.

she uttered nonsense at 1:01 AM