narcissistic pleasure

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Day 14.

Can't control myself, in a --- mood agn. Over the weekend, I thought abt alot of things. I wondered abt many others. Queries and questions I doubt will ever be answered, or even expressed, if at all. Maybe they were right, afterall they were just trying to protect me. Somehow, though, I wish.........

That night, I thought I had gathered enough courage. I guess not. The sentence just left hanging there, like many others before, and many others to come. I need to learn.

Everyday I do the same thing, repeat the routine, getting the same outcome. Like it makes any difference. I feel retarded, I feel loserish, I despise my current self. Yet I still do. Maybe being really busy is good. Kinda numbs everything, forcing you to be oblivious to whatever.

It sucks huhh. There's just so much I want to say, so much I want to ask, so much I want to know, yet I know it's never going to happen. When can I, and where? And what right? Who's lips been sealed forever, and locked up in the drawer.

I feel like a really bad friend these days. So caught up with my own bloody self, getting fked up with my own problems, and troubling those who matter most. Those who bothered to care. I'm probably not the only one with problems now, but I behave like that to them huhh. I need to learn to not be so selfish. Hey you, how's everything at your side? I hope things are fine with you. Please don't feel like you can't load your worries on me, I'd still be very willing to lend a listening ear. I want to be a friend, I don't want to feel anymore useless than I already do.

Please let me feel wanted by someone, anyone.

And counting.

she uttered nonsense at 1:09 AM