narcissistic pleasure

Sunday, August 27, 2006

I'm sorry if I sounded really rude or pissed off but I'm really tired of explaining already. Sometimes I think if you're simply not interested anymore, den why waste my time practically begging you? Yet I know it's for the general good, and it's something expected of me. Maybe some people just get some form of enjoyment in seeing people sweat it out and working their socks off.

I guess by now most people know of my balloonophobia and I know some probably think I'm doing it on purpose to gain attention, but I'm really not. Do you know how irritated I am at myself for being so afraid of a piece of stretched rubber and air? It restricts me so much and I always end up not joining in the fun. It's not something I want. It's a bloody hindrance but I'm really just afraid of them. Why? Is there a reason to why one is afraid of something? Why are there claustrophobic people? Why are there people who are afraid of open spaces? Why are there people who are afraid of clowns? I don't know why. I just know I do. To me, the feeling of holding a balloon in its entity is the same feeling some get with nails on a chalkboard. It makes my hair stand; I feel all ickish and sick. I'm not crazy, it's just a counter reaction my body naturally produces. And it's not like I haven't tried overcoming my fear. I did, in sec3 during the school carnival. I diligently did my duty at the shoot-and-pop-balloons-to-win-prizes booth my class was in charge of. I stood right beside the board full of balloons and saw as each balloon popped before my eyes. And that week I finally thought I managed to overcome it. But by the next week, when someone came charging towards me with a balloon, I found myself unable to hold it properly without getting the same ickish feeling all over again. It's just something I guess I have to live with. But it's not something I'm proud of, and definitely not something I'm doing on purpose. I can't control it.

Such a long entry huhh. I'm not implying anything, just trying to get people to understand that I'm not 'crazy'. If anything, I guess you all can laugh at me for being so loserish. Fear of balloons. How retarded right.

Also, enough about the K word, all I just hope is for everything to pass soon. I know right now I probably deserve every bad thing that's happening to me, and I'm not going to complain about fair or unfair. Sometimes though, just give me a lil time to feel sorry for myself, but like I said, I know I deserve it.

she uttered nonsense at 12:31 AM