narcissistic pleasure

Friday, September 01, 2006

Finally back home.

Contradictions. I love being at home, I do. But maybe cos I'm away too long alr, or rather, I'm never around. Sometimes, I just feel as though I'm not welcomed anymore, or that I lose touch to what's going on. It's like I don't get what they're laughing about, or talking about, cos I've missed so much. And nobody bothers to tell me, it's just to much to say.

It's worse when I get to my room, and see my stuff being exploited or gone. I feel quite sad, it's as if my room has become a common store room for everyone to take what they want or what they need, and never returning it until I ask for it. And it becomes that I'm the selfish, demanding one. I don't recognize my room, everything's not where it was when I left it. Things that nobody wants, or don't belong to anywhere in particular, all end up in there.

I don't know why I'm saying all these, I'm not exactly complaining, I just feel abit sad that I've missed out on so much. Sometimes I feel like a stranger looking at a family of four, smiling as they get on with their lives.

Maybe it's just now. I just want to feel belonged. I just need to feel that I belong to something, to someone. I'm tired of feeling excluded, of not ever knowing what is going on. Is it expecting too much?

Gut feeling says there is something, but the other part of me wants to believe that there isn't any. I want so much to believe. I want so much for someone to tell me I'm thinking too much. A sign, anything.

I hate that I'm always thinking of such stuff. I hate that I'm always worrying about what is going on. I hate that I can't convince myself to appreciate whatever I have left, however little. I hate that I can't be truly happy for some people who really deserve it, I hate that I'm being so selfish.

This sem, I want to concentrate on my studies already. No more monkey business. My aim is to pull up my GPA, even if it may just end up to be a little increase. I'm aware how difficult it'll be, seeing that my past sems' laziness will come back to haunt me in the form of 201. It'll be like studying for a 3-in-1 module, having to check back to the past modules constantly because of my poor foundation, but I'll do it.

For now, I need a hug. Anybody?

she uttered nonsense at 11:43 PM