narcissistic pleasure

Sunday, March 18, 2007

So many things happened.

That evening on the platform, I couldn't control myself. Maybe it was the frustration, maybe it was the sudden realization, I dunno. It just all came out. I wanted to hide, I didn't want anybody to see, much less in public, but I just couldn't find anyplace else. I took the train back to boon lay, and went walking aimlessly ard jp. Then I felt better after that, just walking around in my own time, being uncontactable, as if I can really care less abt the world.

I think it's the understanding that he was right afterall, and yet I'm still trapped. It's the knowledge that others are already starting to be unhappy, even myself, yet I can't get out. I finally went back, and had a good talk with huns, and felt much much better. Although I think I may be easily persuaded by her haha, but we shall see.

Then on friday, just when I finally got past that, or rather started being more resigned to the fact, the call came. At first it was more of a 'fyi' thing, and I was worried, and I wanted to ask, but there wasn't time, so we hung up. So I still had quite a fun time at the celebration, thanks to victoria and feiling for that btw. Then after that he called again, this time updating me, and this time I got really worried, and I wanted to go, but thinking I was busy doing project, he said 'it's ok, don't be unduly worried'. Then today during rehearsal it just kept coming, and of course I was still worried, but I had things on my mind, things to settle, I guess it came off across the phone. And BOOM everything came up again.

Not being able to this, not being able to that.... Not, not, not.

Nothing I do seems right.

You know, sometimes it's not the blatant pinpointing and scolding that hurts, it's the silent disappointment that I detect that really aches.

I can't wait for these two weeks to be over. I want to fast forward. I feel like I can't breathe.

Pray with me, will you? pls.

Labels: emo

she uttered nonsense at 3:20 AM